Hmm, I suppose I am a masochist

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Today, my first math homework was due. I am taking Engineering Mathematics (ENM) 510, Foundations of Engineering Mathematics I. Whereas this class would be too easy for my Applied Math grad friend Yan, I can’t make heads or tails of the stuff sometimes. To make matters worse, I shamelessly procrastinated on it and didn’t really start until about 8 hrs before it was due. Oh, I had looked at it earlier, and it seemed impossible. As of this morning, it still seemed impossible.

My friend Dania and I collaborated for a bit, and then we decided that, since this class allowed us to drop the lowest homework grade from the final average, we’d cut our losses and focus on the other problem sets we had due. So, I skipped class, skipped lab meeting ( naughty, i know), and conquered perhaps 3 of the 5 multi-step problems. The remaining ones I had no idea how to approach. (Do YOU remember how to do the determinant f a 4x4 matrix? I don’t.) I’ve never turned in a homework assignment that was so incomplete and dubious.

Yet after the exhilarating exercise (yes, I said that), I’m strangely happier than I have been in quite some time. My math homework pretty much kicked me in the shins and made me eat dirt. So why am I on a strange high with an incorrigible smile on my face? It feels good to struggle, to feel the adrenaline of approaching a solution, perhaps encounter an obstacle, and feel my brain pulse more than ever as I edge just a little bit closer to the answer. It feels good to struggle and come out at least partly on top, knowing that I have conquered that which once defied me, knowing that I still have an enormous amount to learn. That feeling keeps me going, keeps me learning. That feeling is exactly why I signed up to go to school forever…or at least until this md-phd thing finishes.

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